The Poisonous Secret – Part 2 – Emotions

Back in December, I took a retreat from the world.  My in-laws were out of town and graciously allowed me to use their home as a hide-out.  I had a creative project I wanted to work on, but the real reason for the trip was to face some ugly things from my past and begin a book/workbook that I had purchased.  I knew it was going to be a hard weekend, and yet I was unprepared for the intensity of it.  My planned 3 day getaway stretched into 9. I have a wonderful, understanding, and supportive husband!  He told me to stay and get my crap together as long as I was home by Christmas.

I didn’t go unarmed or unprepared. I had friends all over the country praying for me, another one close by in case I needed a shoulder to cry on, and I knew God was with me. Even my cell phone worked the whole time I was there, and it NEVER works at their house. Then I opened my book and began to read. Instantly I felt isolated, alone, and nauseous. Wave after wave of dread and fear threatened to drown me. I was ready and aching to move forward to new depths of healing, so I prayed with trembling lips for courage to keep going and face the secrets that lay hidden within me. I wish I could tell you those feelings immediately left and the rest of my time there was a breeze, but the week was hard as I battled and cried and got so mad I thought I would explode. I wept for innocence lost and time spent finding the pieces of me that buried themselves for pure survival. Blazing hot tears spilled down my face as I yelled at a pillow that was standing in as a surrogate caregiver, representing all who did not protect me. There were tears for all of the people I had hurt over the years because I didn’t know how to handle strong emotions and just be me. I finally curled up into a ball on the couch and lay there in silence for a few hours, completely spent, staring at nothing until I fell asleep. It was the most exhausting week of my whole year. I was happy to be alone, and I made it halfway through the book.

When I finally returned home, I put the unfinished book on my desk and didn’t touch it again until last week.  I recommended it to others, but wouldn’t make the time to continue the journey myself. I remained locked in my anger towards those who didn’t believe my story, and those who suspected something was going on but did nothing to help me. I’ve been wearing my anger like a hundred pound chain around my neck, all the while keeping too busy to process further. I also stopped writing with the exception of an occasional blog post written out of guilt. I knew my words would betray me and I needed to handle this monster in my own way, but how?

It’s frustrating to know that I’ve let emotions hold me back from my passions. I’m tired of being angry. Why is anger always my default emotion? And why can’t I just call it by it’s true name and say it’s fear? Because I’m not a fearful woman.  I never have been.  Fierce? Yes.  Fiery? Occasionally. Fearful? Not me. It’s just not a word used to describe me, by me or anyone else.  I learned long ago that fearful women get taken advantage of, walked on, and hurt. It was easier to harden myself and become a control freak. If I was in control then nothing could hurt me, right? I have lived so long in the paradox of controlling my surroundings, while yearning to be safe enough to give up that same control. It’s exhausting being in control all the time. Having to be “on” and alert and never letting my guard down. I don’t want to live that way, so I’m facing my fears. And let me tell you, it’s hard work and it sucks!!

Being real and authentic (One of my big goals in life) has meant learning how to release and feel emotions in a safe manner. It has meant acknowledging those places that need work or healing, and finding ways to let go and forgive. I know the above paragraphs make it sound like I’ve been an emotional basket case, but truly I haven’t. It has been a difficult few months, but I’m receiving counsel and I’m coping as I heal. Those 9 days spent away from my everyday life were like vacationing in a huge, dark, emotional pit, but it wasn’t all gloom and despair. There were sunshiny moments sprinkled in there. On one of my “couch” afternoons, I was praying and I felt blanketed in peace…literally.  I could feel it like a real blanket lovingly draped over me. I was also blessed enough to hang out with my older and wiser friend Linda. She loved me through that week. I’m going to be fine…no, better than fine…I’m going to be whole.

That heavy chain I talked about earlier has been coming off one link at a time.  I wish I could take it off all at once, but it’s just not happening that way. I have hope and I am confident that as I heal, I will be free in ways I never imagined, so I keep moving forward.

Why write about my emotional process coming to a volcanic head? I know there are others out there who are dealing with this same issue. They are lost, scared, and too vulnerable to share this stuff with people in their own lives. I want them to know that they are not alone, and it’s never too late to face your past.  While you can’t change what happened to you as a child, you can change how it affects you as an adult, which also affects how you handle life and relate to those around you. The healing process isn’t easy, but you don’t have to do it alone.

If you are reading this and can relate to what I’ve written here, please consider this permission to vent and a plea to get help. You are not a prisoner destined to be bound in chains of the abuse cycle until you die. You can break free, and there are resources out there that will aid you on your journey. If you know someone who would benefit from reading these posts, please pass along a link to my site.  It’s always easier to journey with a friend. There is a lot of information out there for those of us walking this path. This is the book I’m working through:

It is available on amazon.com and chances are, your local book stores. I bought mine through Family Christian Stores.  The amazon site allows to you have a sneak peak at the inside of the book if you want to check it out before buying it. In my opinion, it is a little too scholarly in places, but it is helping me, and it’s one of the best resources I’ve found so far. I’ve recently discovered a few websites that I’m checking out before recommending them here. There are over half a million websites that deal with the topic of sexual abuse. Thanks for stopping by mine.

Coming soon – Part 3 – Thoughts on healing and the stages of grief

The Poisonous Secret

Sometimes it’s really hard to write here.  I’ve wanted to quit several times. I asked my husband what he thought and he advised me to post when I feel like posting something, but to take the pressure off myself. I talked to trusted friends and explained how my own journey has been difficult the past few months and even though it was related to this blog and what I’m trying to do here, I felt stuck. Frozen. Paralyzed.  One friend told me, “That’s exactly WHY you need to get back to it.  The enemy wants you to quit.  Your story might help someone else and you need to share it.”  But I heard rumors of people in my life who didn’t believe my story and were scandalized that I would share something like this so publicly.  Up until this point I’ve only shared it in person, and in private prayer request emails.  Then my friend Jan came a long.

Jan is an amazing woman.  She’s been my Starbucks date for almost a year now and we’ve helped each other process a lot of tough thoughts and feelings in the time we’ve been friends.  This was a break through week for her as she began her blog series on Incest-The Poisonous Secret on her Bold & Free Blog.  I’m looking forward to reading her thoughts as she tackles this difficult subject.  She has a link from her post to a short article called Myths and Facts about Childhood Sexual Abuse by Lucille Zimmerman, the Christian Mental Health Examiner for the Denver Examiner. It’s a great article. Helpful. Informative. Sensitive.

So my journey continues. I’m a writer who has not been writing much to avoid the hard stuff.  This topic ties into everything this blog is about. It’s time for me to address this issue more publicly.

Hello.

My name is Niki and I’m a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse.

To Be Continued…

Piercing The Darkness Ministries

Several months ago I interviewed my new friend Drenda about her ministry in the strip clubs of Houston.  I am so honored to know her (face to face one of these days) and I’d like to take a minute to update you on the outreach she and her team are doing.  Her websites are a great place to start. 

The Piercing The Darkness site explains the mission of the team -finding and restoring those who have lost their way, and hosts photos of the team and an archive of articles to follow the journey the team has been on.

http://www.ptdministries.com/

From there, you need to go straight to Drenda’s blog.  I am encouraged and inspired by the stories she shares about the lives of the dancers, deejays, bouncers, owners and even the patrons of the clubs she and her team love on in very practical ways.  They are changing lives in the Houston area.

http://jesuslovesdancers.blogspot.com/

The blog was updated last week and I’m including an excerpt here, but I encourage you to read the rest on the blog.

“Dave, our favorite former deejay, got arrested and is totally out of the business now. He says he’s glad to be away. He starts classes this week to become a truck driver.  He also is celebrating over 100 days of sobriety!  This was his first new year being sober in many, many years.  He’s faithful to attend and to serve in his church.  We are so proud of him.  Go, God!

Karri found us by searching the internet. We met her one night several years ago while she was working at a club. She’s a former dancer and wanted to let us know she’s out of the business and living for God. She’s an intercessor who is very involved in the political arena. She went to the Republican convention this year to pray before and during the convention.

Kevin. Our favorite former manager. I remember a couple of years ago when we visited him in the hospital after he was shot in the face outside of the club he managed. I asked him then if he was ready to get out of the business. He replied, “No, I’ll never leave. This is all I know. I’ve been doing it for 30 years. I can’t do anything else.” Well, he can do other things. He’s a fantastic cook! He’s totally out of the business and working at a restaurant in the Spring area. GO, GOD!!!”

If you are interested in supporting Piercing The Darkness Ministries through tax-deductible donations, click here to email Drenda.  Financial contributions as well as items for gift bags are very much appreciated.

Christians and Masturbation

Masturbation by definition is the manual stimulation of your genital organs (or those of someone else), usually to orgasm and devoid of sexual intercourse.

I’ve been avoiding this subject for a long time.  Mostly out of fear of judgment or repercussions.  I’ve prayed about this and talked to many, many people about it.  Yes, it’s kind of an awkward discussion with some people. I’ve read hundreds of pages on the topic. I’ve prayed some more.  This is not an easy discussion to have which is probably why most believers aren’t having it, and I’m not taking this topic lightly.  As I grow in my understanding of sexuality and purity, my opinion on this matter has changed.  A few of my friends have been discussing this topic and they asked me what I thought.  It took me all of ten seconds to know what to say to them.  It’s taken me almost three months to write this post.

My desire is to present MY OPINION on the matter and encourage you to seek answers through reading more and ultimately through prayer since God is the only one with all of the answers.  But please remember, even after prayer two friends can come to different conclusions and still be within God’s will.  Each one needs to be convinced in his/her own mind and live by those convictions and refrain from passing judgment on others who live with different convictions. There may be those who read this that are not followers of Christ and will think this whole discussion and post ridiculous.  I’ve already had a few conversations like that.  But even if you take God completely out of the equation, this is still a strong topic with both positives and negatives.  I’m speaking as a believer who is humbled by this subject.

Scripture has plenty to say about sexuality, but as far as I can tell, it is silent on the subject of masturbation.  There are verses that have been quoted to show that it is sinful, but at closer look, they are all about LUST or shameful motives (i.e. the overly quoted example of Onan in the Old Testament.)  A common belief among believers is that you cannot masturbate without lust.  Are lust and masturbation the same thing?  I don’t think so, but they are difficult to separate.  I’ve known people who maintain that it is possible for them.  I think it is nearly impossible for most of us to use this practice without lusting.  We’ll get back to that later.

As far as I can recall, I was never taught anything about masturbation.  It’s not something my mom and I discussed, and it certainly wasn’t talked about at church.  It was a word on my long list of things no one ever talks about so teens have to fend for themselves and learn from magazines and friends.  It’s been interesting to hear some of my friends talk about this topic being in the realm of absolute truth and it always being a sin.  Is it ever O.K.?  My opinion is a hesitant yes.  Without giving you a strict guideline to adhere to, (and really, who am I that I have the authority to do that?), here are a few situations I think it might be o.k.

a)      As a physical release for a person who is sexually frustrated and/or celibate.  For example, singles who want to control their sexual impulses and remain virgins until they’re married.  Those who remain single all of their lives.  Spouses who have a higher libido than their mates.  Women who find penetration during intercourse extremely painful.  Spouses who have an invalid mate such as a quadriplegic or some other physical restraint.

b)      Between a husband and wife as a form of foreplay or mutual gratification and pleasure.

c)       As a means of bringing pleasure to your spouse.

d)      For spouses who travel on business and are away from each other for extended periods of time.

This is by no means a complete list, and I am not advocating that these situations call for self-stimulation.  We could play the “What if” game all day.  I think if it is possible for you to masturbate without lusting then you are ahead of the majority who find that impossible.  I believe it is LUST that is wrong, not the act of manually stimulating yourself.  To tell people “It’s wrong, don’t do it” without finding out the reasons behind the act, is irresponsible and unhelpful.

The cautions/drawbacks regarding masturbation are many.  While I don’t think it harms the body physically (in most cases), it can desensitize it and your body can begin to need more to reach the same level of satisfaction. There is the risk of getting used to self-pleasure and no one else being able to please you. It can become a substitute for what God had planned for man and woman in marriage, and it can keep the individual focused on SELF instead of their mate. And while I’m using the word “self”, let me remind you that self-control is a fruit of the spirit.  Being out of control is a slippery slope into the pit of compulsion.  It can also harm the mind, especially if an ungodly stimulus is used as an aid. I think it is up to each person to examine their motives and be honest with themselves.  I had a friend point out to me that masturbation is relational whether it is done in private or with someone else.  If you’re using fantasy as a stimulant, you are violating the person you’re fantasizing about if you don’t have their permission.  If you’re not married to that person, that’s an even bigger issue.  Porn is a no-brainer in light of what scripture says about looking at a woman lustfully.  Masturbation shouldn’t be a substitute for relationships with real people.

The other side of this story is that I know of several cases where masturbation actually helped strengthen a marriage.  It is possible.  That may be a futures discussion for this blog.

Our instinct when we feel strongly about something and want to convince others that we’re right is to point to literature that backs up our stance on the issue.  I don’t want to convince you that I’m right, but I do want to provide you with some resources to get you on the path of discovery for yourself.  If you Google “Christians and Masturbation”, you’re going to find opinions stated as fact from every possible view point.  Opinions vary from “It’s always wrong and sinful” to “Anything goes.”  You’ll probably find articles to back up whatever you already believe about this subject.  My hope is that you’ll read with an open mind and then ask God to give you clarification.

Dr. Douglas Rosenau, a licensed Psychologist, Christian sex therapist and author of A Celebration of Sex, says self-pleasuring is permissible but any sexual behavior that becomes a habit can be detrimental to and narrow your sex life. You must guard your thought life and not have your partnership adulterated by fantasizing about other people.   I agree with that. I’ve not read that book yet, but it’s on my list to check out.

XXXChurch.com takes the stance that masturbation is wrong.  I highly respect what they do and who they minister to and in their line of work, I agree.  It is wrong.  They are ministering to people struggling with sexual addictions- especially pornography.  I think the exceptions above do not apply to those who struggle with sexual brokenness.  For those stuck in sexual sin, lust and masturbation are impossible to separate.  Lust takes over the mind and body, and masturbation or acting out some other way sexually is the physical release.  In these situations masturbation is a result of lust and always accompanies porn.  But switching that sentence around doesn’t work.  I don’t believe masturbation ALWAYS involves lust and/or porn.  And there is good news.  There is recovery from that place and a healthy sex life is possible.  The road is long and the work is hard, but it is so worth it.  Sexual brokenness can be dealt with and healed.

I want to say again, don’t kid yourself.  If you think something is wrong, then don’t do it.  If you have a clear conscience and God has given you peace about it, then practice it and don’t flaunt it, especially to those who would “stumble” themselves or judge you for it.

I found a few good articles I’ll pass along to you.  There are thousands more on the web, just be careful where you look.

http://www.new-life.net/mastrbte.htm

http://christian-dating-service-plus.com/blog/masturbation-and-christian-singles.html

http://www.cmf.org.uk/literature/content.asp?context=article&id=1631

This is open for discussion…what do you think?

The Sexually Confident Wife

Here’s a new website/book/resource to check out:

Welcome to SexuallyConfidentWife.com with best-selling author Shannon Ethridge.

Here, female sexuality isn’t an embarrassing taboo, but an enriching treasure! Most women today are sexually competent. They know what to do in the bedroom to bring their husband to climax. But I want more than that for you. I want you to be sexually confident.

Sexual confidence isn’t just for the supermodel or porn star. It’s the birthright of every woman, and the deep desire of every husband for his wife. It’s also a valuable legacy that we pass down to our own daughters and granddaughters as they are seeking to understand, embrace, and celebrate their own sexuality within marriage.

However, issues such as extreme body inhibition, shame from past sexual abuse, guilt over pre-marital sexual activity, fear of intimacy, or lack of knowledge about male and female sexuality are just some of the many hurdles that hold us back in the bedroom, robbing women of their sexual confidence. If you could overcome all of the hurdles holding you back, could you become a sexually confident wife? Engage in sensual pleasure without an ounce of inhibition, guilt, or shame? Cultivate genuine intimacy and a deep sense of satisfaction in your marriage? Absolutely! And I believe this book is going to help you reach all of those goals. It’s not just a “how to perform” book. Rather, it’s going to touch you on so many different levels -emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Rather than feeling as if sexual confidence is unrealistically required of you as a wife, I hope this book will truly inspire it in you.

In addition to promoting Shannon’s new book by sharing excerpts and reviews, the website offers valuable resources, her personal blog, a Hot Tips e-newsletter, and more.  check it out.

http://www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com/

About Shannon Ethridge:

Shannon is a million-copy best-selling author, speaker, lay counselor, and advocate for healthy sexuality with a master’s degree in counseling/human relations from Liberty University. She has spoken to youth, college students, and adults since 1989 and her passions include:

• Challenging adults and teens to embrace a life of sexual integrity
• Encouraging married couples in their pursuit of sexual fulfillment
• Counseling women who have looked for love in all the wrong places
• Equipping parents to instill sexual values in children at an early age

Her passion for healthy sexuality was ignited as a result of her own painful experiences. After being sexually abused by uncles during puberty and surviving many painful years as a promiscuous teenager, Shannon sought to overcome her past and become the faithful wife she desperately wanted to be. Six months of individual and group counseling gave Shannon the confidence to declare her graduation from the school of hard knocks, and she began speaking boldly and bluntly about the benefits of sexual integrity and sexual intimacy within marriage. She has since taught and counseled thousands of teens, single adults, and married couples over the past decade. Shannon is the Gold-Medallion Award-winning author of 18 books, including the best-selling Every Woman’s Battle series (WaterBrook Press, 2003-2006) which has been printed in 11 different languages, the 5-book Loving Jesus Without Limits series (WaterBrook Press, 2007), and her new book for the mainstream market, The Sexually Confident Wife (Random House, September 2008).

Shannon has been featured on the cover of Today’s Christian Woman Magazine and is a frequent guest on such national radio & television shows as Focus on the Family, The 700 Club, Life Today with James & Betty Robison, FamilyLife Today with Dennis Rainey, and New Life Live! with Stephen Arterburn. She has also been published in magazines such as Focus on the Family, Brio, Christian Single, Discipleship Journal, LifeWay, and Enrichment Journal.

Although grateful for the opportunities to Influence this generation as a writer and speaker, Shannon remains most passionate about being a wife and best friend to her husband of 18 years, Greg, and a mother and cheerleader to their two children, Erin (16) and Matthew (13). She and her family reside in a log cabin in east Texas.

The right place at the right time?

Summer is fading fast, as are the days of enjoying our swimming pool in our park. I’ve met some interesting people there this summer, but none are as memorable as two pre-teen girls who for some reason took to me quickly and shared more than I wanted to know about their lives…particularly their sex lives. Here’s a short blurb from MY Journey blog about that day:

Today was…strange. I took the kids swimming and met two very sad 12 year old girls who shared their life stories with me after 5 minutes of conversation. I got to hear how their moms put them on birth control, and what they want to name all the babies they’re going to have – but not until they’re at least 17 or their moms will disown them. One of them told me about a boy who is a senior and wants to have 4 babies with her. Did I mention she’s 12??? One of them wants a tattoo and her tongue pierced before she goes back to school in the Fall. Why? Because she gets made fun of and she’s hoping it will help her fit in and be less of a target. This poor girl weighs in the 200 pound range and has enough facial hair, she could shave. She talks ghetto, and can’t wait to be a mommy…and plans to be at 17. I’m thinking that a tattoo and a piercing aren’t going to be enough to make her less of a target at her middle school. And it breaks my heart. These same two girls who can’t wait to be moms were afraid to go in the deep end of the pool, and when I taught them how to tread water, both told me what a genius I am and that I should be a biology teacher. What??? ~sigh~

I left the pool with a heavy heart that day. I just kept thinking WHY? They were so starved for attention that they latched onto me without knowing anything about me. They knew I was a mom of 3 kids and I liked to swim and talk. There could be something to that part. lol When I left, they asked if I would be back tomorrow. When I told them we had other plans for the next day, they were disappointed and asked if I’d be here the day after that. Unfortunately I haven’t seen them since.

Have you ever walked away from a conversation and wished you had spoken more clearly or said something other than what actually came out of your mouth? Yeah, that was me that day. I didn’t know that it would be my only chance (so far) to pour some love and hopefully a little wisdom into these girls. I asked them lots of questions and listened the best I could while keeping an eye on my own kids splashing around the pool. I was bold and told them that God loved them and they were worth more than some teenage boy groping them for kicks. I looked them in the eyes and told them that they were beautiful girls and had great value and that I hoped they would think about the consequences of giving themselves so freely at such a young age. (That part sounds dumb to me now.) They said their moms were teen moms and did fine. I told them both to go home and ask their moms if it was easy being a teen mom. One of them said she lives with her dad because her mom took off and lives in another state. She never sees her. I told them that in all my years in youth ministry and working with at-risk youth, I’ve NEVER met a teen mom who thought life was fun or easy. Yes babies love you, but they don’t fill you the way you want to be filled as a young girl. They take from you and it’s exhausting. They both said they love babysitting their cousins, nieces, and nephews. I reminded them that they also got to end that job and send the kids home with their parents – it wasn’t 24/7/365.

The way they talked was way beyond just dreaming of what it would be like to be a mom someday. It was like they never got to play house as small children and they were in a hurry to do so now. One of them said to me, “But you look like you really love your kids and they really love you”. I said that’s true and then reminded her that I’m in my 30’s and I lived a little before having kids, AND that I don’t do it alone…my husband and I parent together. I told them that I do love being a mom but that I admit it’s really hard sometimes and once you’re a parent, there’s no going back. It’s fun, but it’s a lot more work than most people admit or talk about. The idea of having a baby is romantic because you don’t have memories yet of getting up every two hours to nurse, sore breasts, being tired to the point of crying, and wondering if you will ever sleep through the night again. I asked the girl being raised by her dad if she missed her mom. She sadly said yes and then emphatically told me that she would never leave her children, even if life got hard.

I think I was pretty loving about the whole thing and it was an intense conversation at a few points, but they wanted more anyway. When I caught myself lecturing, I quickly asked another question instead. They wanted to talk and be heard. They needed to be noticed. They needed a woman to speak truth to them instead of playing into their fantasies about mommy-hood. They asked me tons of questions about parenting, if I was married, how long have I been married and was it to the same man, was I a virgin when I got married, would I teach my daughter to be a virgin until she’s married, had I ever been on birth control, etc. The questions were flying and I did my best to really be in the moment. I asked them if these boys they know want to be daddies or just have sex. They smiled at each other and said, “I don’t know”. They both said they wanted a baby more than they wanted to get married and they didn’t think you needed to be married to have babies with guys. We talked about STD’s and oral sex and all kinds of things they brought up. Sex education in school is NOT working, and obviously these girls weren’t being taught these things at home in a constructive, helpful way. Being put on birth control and then being told you’ll be disowned if you have a baby before you’re 17 is NOT the way to teach your kids about sex.

It makes me angry that we live in an age of babies becoming like an accessory. I read an article that came out back in June about a community of girls who became pregnant on purpose. They called it a pregnancy pact. You can read it here if you’re interested.

One of the quotes we used with our groups for SEVENS this summer was this:

“The real tragedy…is that there are many Christians who do not even relate to unbelievers unless they have to. That’s what has to change. We don’t need to witness more, we need to relate more with non-Christians so that our witness will mean more. If our witness truly is more who we are than what we do, then we need to be in places where who we are makes a difference.” ~John Fischer

I can’t make assumptions about the girls’ beliefs. All I know is that I was in a place where who I am was making a difference and it felt strange to me. I look forward to the day that it doesn’t. Does such a day exist? Was I just in the right place at the right time? I hope and pray I get another chance to talk with these girls.

Interview with Drenda Thomas, Part 2

Welcome Back for Part 2. We’ve been talking with Drenda Thomas about her ministry, Piercing the Darkness. Drenda, when we left off last week, you had just told us that your husband goes with you when you do outreach. Let’s start there. Even with your husband nearby and a team of people at your side, have you ever been scared to enter an unfamiliar place?

Not really. Well, there was one night a few months ago. We went to a new club, and there was this HUGE guy standing out front. The ladies were questioning me as to whether or not we should go in. I said, “We’re going in” and got out of the van. Sweet Norma (a senior lady) was right behind me. As we’re walking up to the club, a girl gets out of the car and yells, “You found us! You finally found us!” She, and most of the people at this club, used to be at another strip club that burned down a couple of years ago. We were wondering where they ended up. It was like a family reunion. Lots of hugs and catching up. As I got closer to the door, I recognized the HUGE guy. We shook hands, and he welcomed us into the club. It was awesome!

Wow. Knowing that you were recognized, welcomed, and even missed makes me teary. What an incredible testimony to your impact on the people you choose to love. With that I am curious about the opposition you might face. Is there any spiritual warfare going on before, during or after your outreach time? Can you tell us what that might look like and how you handle it?

This question made me chuckle. YES, there is warfare! We joke (even though it’s no joke) that it must be outreach time because everything is going wrong. Problems at work, at the house, health issues, financial issues, car problems….you name it, the team has faced it. Once you realize it’s an attack, the situation is much easier to deal with. The situation may not be gone, but you know where it’s coming from. Then you can deal with it like you’re supposed to instead of freaking out.

It’s obvious you’re making an impact on the dancers and other club employees. How do you feel about the male customers?

I’ve had some visiting teams who had issues with the males in the clubs. Some women get really ticked off about the men. The men are no worse than the dancers. If all of the male customers were totally sold out to God, there would be no demand for dancers. The law of supply and demand…

Amazingly enough, we’ve had male customers ask us to pray for them, for their marriages, and one even asked us to pray for his girlfriend who was a dancer. She wouldn’t give up the dancing, and it was ripping him apart. We prayed for him in the parking lot, and tears rolled down his face.

What if any of the girls want to get out? Are you prepared to help them?

Yes, I’ve networked with for-profit and non-profit agencies, recruiters and other individuals who are willing to provide computer training, resume assistance, interviewing skills, business clothes, etc. at no charge.

You mentioned that you also do outreach at other venues such as Mardi Gras, Gay Pride parades, Fantasy Fest, and porn conventions. How do you prepare yourself for what you might find in these places?

I don’t think you can mentally prepare yourself for the first time you minister in these places. I imagined everyone would be having sex all over the place at the porn convention. Fortunately, the convention hall had rules that did not allow such behavior.

To prepare yourself spiritually, the “right” answer is: fast, pray, read your Bible….easier said than done because things don’t go as planned prior to outreach. Maybe it’s better that way in that I don’t have a canned speech ready for each person I meet. God is an individual God. He knows right where each person is and knows what they need to hear. If I know I’m unprepared, I’m more likely to be listening and to be dependent on Him. I’ll have something fresh, and it will be EXACTLY what the person needs to hear for their particular situation.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying to totally forget about praying and reading your Bible. I’m saying: do what you feel you need to do (fast, read, pray) but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t reach someone else’s hyper-spiritual goals. When we are weak, He is strong.

After every outreach into the clubs and any other street outreach, we pray over everything we saw and heard. We pray that the images we saw and any conversation we had or overheard that wasn’t good for us or that might cause us to fall into temptation wouldn’t stick in our brains.

You seem to receive a lot of welcome from the strip clubs. What about the other venues? Is there welcome there as well or do you feel hatred from some of these groups?

Have I had ice and beer thrown at me at Mardi Gras and Fantasy Fest just because I was in a parade that was singing a hymn while walking down the street? Yes.  My experience has been that these people hate Christians for good reason. Christians have been rude, self-righteous, hateful and down-right condescending to them. Churches have ostracized people because they didn’t fit a certain image. Is that how Jesus would treat them?

I’ve had many conversations with people who started out antagonist towards me because of how they labeled me. But once you allow people to talk and you really listen to them, you can find common ground and build from there. Following Christ is about building bridges – not burning them. It’s the goodness of God that draws people to repentance.

Are you uncomfortable being in the bars?

No. I know why I’m there.

One of my readers had this question: Are you uncomfortable being around the people demonstrating for their right to be against God (as in ministering at Gay Pride event)?

Not uncomfortable. It’s more heart-breaking than anything. I don’t take their demonstrations personally. Everyone has a choice to make. Not everyone will choose Christ. And not everyone is demonstrating “against God”. Many are simply anti-Christians. Can’t say I blame them. Christians can be pretty obnoxious at times. There have been times when I’m on the streets ministering that I shrink away from the street preachers who are yelling hellfire and damnation. I don’t want to be associated with those types of “preachers”. The ministries that I go with to Gay Pride, Fantasy Fest, Mardi Gras, etc. are not these types of street preachers. Do we speak the truth? Yes, but in love.

How do you go about ministering at a Gay Pride event?

I go with Ron and Judy Radachy of The Oasis of Hollywood. They’ve been ministering in Hollywood for about 30 years. At the Gay Pride Parade, we break into teams and roam up and down the street looking for people to talk with. Some people hand out tracts. Some people carry a sign that has a positive message – NOT “God hates gays.” I usually walk around and then find a place to sit. People get tired and come sit down by me. You make small talk about the parade, and then the conversation can be eased into how they feel about God, do they need prayer for anything, etc. Very non-confrontational in the approach. And if a conversation never turns toward God, that’s okay, too. I’m not there to ram God down their throats, but it is important for me to leave a good impression with them. I don’t want them to hate all Christians or God because of their encounter with me.

I’ve had some amazing encounters at the Gay Pride Parade in Hollywood. One time a guy came out of a building while we were walking down the sidewalk talking amongst ourselves. He approached us and said, “Don’t talk to me about God.”

“Okay, we won’t.”

“I told you don’t talk to me about God.”

“Okay.”

“I really don’t want to talk about God.”

“Okay, why don’t you want to talk about God?”

And then he launches into his frustrations with the church, etc. and walks off. It was bizarre…

Another time I met a former Assemblies of God pastor who was dressed in leathers. He had been kicked out of church the year before for having a homosexual affair. He left his wife and sons. He was extremely hurt over how his former pastor friends were treating him and his family. I apologized to him on behalf of the A/G (my dad is a retired Assemblies of God pastor). We had a very long conversation. He let me pray with him before he went on his S&M date with 4 guys. I pleaded with him not to go because I didn’t want him to get hurt. He thanked me for my concern, said I was the only one from the church to show any concern and walked away into the night. I’ve never forgotten him or that conversation.

Drenda, you’ve given us some eye opening accounts of your experiences. I know you have many more stories to tell than our time here allows. You’ve willingly put yourself on the front lines for those you’re aiming to help and that has taken you to some very dark places. How would you respond to believers who think we have no business being anywhere near such places?

My response is: look at Jesus’ life. Who did He hang out with the most? Or maybe I should say who did He like hanging out with the most? It sure wasn’t the church people (Pharisees). He called them vipers. He had mercy on the prostitutes, lepers, blind, tax collectors and all the other unseemly citizens. He touched them and talked to them when the rest of society ignored and shunned them.

By the way the tone of my response matters, too. I don’t come across angry — well, I try not to. I get rather frustrated with church people. I’m much more patient with non-church people.

If you are struggling with drug, alcohol or sexual addictions, don’t go to clubs/bars or places you used to hang out – even if it is to minister. Use wisdom. Wait until you are free of those addictions. You can minister in other ways and other places until then. You can always pray for the people in the clubs and for the people ministering to them. All ministries need good intercessors.

Amen to that!  This has been an amazing experience for me and I’m so excited about the work you and your team are doing. Any final thoughts or comments?

After 8 years I’m still amazed every single time a strip club lets us in the door. It’s been the favor of God. I’m also humbled that God trusts me enough to make me a part of his search and rescue team. I’m grateful for the team that God has assembled who goes into the clubs with me. They are an incredible group of ladies. I’m grateful for my dad and husband who have our backs.

One more thing…I’ve personally ministered with each of these ministries and HIGHLY recommend them.

http://xxxchurch.com/

http://www.rescueatlanta.com/

http://www.oasisofhollywood.org/

Piercing the Darkness will have its site up soon. It’s geared more towards the church and Christians. http://www.searchandrescueonline.com/

I’m working on a website specifically for the dancers. It will be: www.jesuslovesdancers.com

I send out an email the morning after an outreach.  If anyone is interested in being added to that, they can email me at deetr@comcast.net, and I will add them to the list.

What would be the best way for someone to contribute financially to the ministry for gift bag items or whatever other needs you might have?

Until we receive tax exempt status from the IRS, all donations are run through a local church who supports the ministry.  They give year-end receipts. To send a check, make it payable to “Spring First Church” and mailed to POB 130441, The Woodlands, TX 77393.

Thank you, Niki, for allowing me this opportunity.

Thank you Drenda for joining us here and challenging us to make the world a better place, and to love those within our reach no matter what their occupation, life situation, or addiction might be. Thank you for being an example to the Christian community and for passing on the love without judgment. May God continue to bless your ministry!

Interview with Drenda Thomas

Hello Drenda, and welcome to my blog. I’ve been anticipating this interview and I’m very excited to share your stories with the readers here. Because of the amount of questions and the nature of the answers, we’ll be splitting this interview into two parts. So let’s talk.

Can you tell me a little about your ministry and how you got started?

Piercing the Darkness started on New Year’s Eve 2000. We are still going to the same clubs as the first night. We’ve added several new ones and a couple of clubs have closed. The ministry was birthed after I heard Dan Betzer speak at a missions convention. He pastors in Ft. Myers Beach, FL. He told about a ministry in his church that goes to strip clubs. I called up the ministry leader and asked how/what she did. She told me the following story about her first night going in to the clubs:

She walked up to the stage as a girl was coming off the stage. She handed the girl a bag, and the girl said, “Are you an angel?”

“No, why do you ask?”

“Because I told God before I came to work tonight that if He were real to send me an angel tonight or I would kill myself when I got off work tonight.”

I knew at that point I had to go in to the clubs because how else would these girls ever know that there’s a God who still loves them and still has a plan and a purpose for their lives? They probably will never set foot into a church unless a friend keeps inviting them. So if they don’t go to church, we have to take the gospel to them.

That’s a great concept Drenda. God is already at work, but He uses His people to put a face on the love He has for them. I love that you took that first step in learning how you could become part of such a ministry. What fuels your passion for what you do?

Probably seeing that God still cares for these people, even though many of them have lives that are really messed up. He knows exactly where they are, and He cares enough about them to send in a bunch of “church ladies”. He wants them to know He still has a plan and a purpose for their lives – it’s not too late. I guess it’s seeing the Shepherd going after the one lost sheep. I never really understood that analogy/story until after a few years of doing this ministry and seeing God’s heart.

I imagine that for most people it would be a very scary experience to do what you do. Can you walk us through a visit to a strip club? What is it like? How do you feel while there?

We prepare the bags at a local church and pray over them before we go out. We could not nor would not do this without a prayer covering. We load up the van and take off down the highway. We go twice a month — once on Tuesdays, once on Fridays. The Friday night outreach is the newest addition. We started it several months ago when Kevin , one of our favorite managers, moved to a different club. We wanted to stay in touch with him so we added a separate night, and then there just happened to be some other clubs in the area…so we expanded.

At each club, we greet the valet/parking lot attendants and give them a bag. Then we give the cashier a bag and someone usually talks with her while the rest go into the club. I usually end up talking to the djays, managers and bouncers – catching up on their lives – while the team goes throughout the club and into the dressing rooms handing out the bags to the girls. There are some male patrons who request a bag. We always give them one.

We are always aware we’re in a place of business. We respect that. We don’t block entrances while talking to the girls. We don’t keep the girls from working. We talk or pray with them at their comfort level and within their time frame.

How do I feel while in there? At home. Yes, it’s weird. I feel comfortable. Don’t get me wrong. It’s still awkward seeing/hugging half naked girls. But I’m doing what I know I’m supposed to be doing.

It’s good to hear that you model respect for all you meet. I have found that to be a big door-opener when reaching out to the marginalized people in society. Being given respect can be a new concept for some who might have experienced “obnoxious Christianity” in the past, like only receiving respect after there is visible change in their lives.

I have to ask…What is in the gift bags?

Each bag contains a gift, an invitation to church (w/service times, map & phone #), a card with a phone number to call if they want prayer, a tract, an encouraging scripture, and chocolate candy. We’ve given the following gifts: a silver compact engraved with “You are special” or “You are loved”, picture frame, candles, photo album, eyeshadows, ceramic cross, scarf, handbags, nice writing pad, wallets, stuffed animals, etc. It’s hard to find 120-150 gifts that are the same. It creates too much chaos if the gifts aren’t the same because the girls will fight over them. We usually are able to get the gifts from the dollar store. We try to keep the total cost of each bag around $5.

On Christmas and Father’s Day we also give gift bags to the men. We give slightly more expensive gifts to the bouncers, djays and managers on these occasions because they have been so good to us throughout the year.

One gift that I’m the most excited about is giving the girls the book “Redeeming Love” by Francine Rivers. God blessed us so that we were able to purchase several hundred copies for less than $5 a piece. If you haven’t read this book, I HIGHLY recommend it. It’s based on the book of Hosea from the Bible, and it vividly portrays the unfailing, unconditional love of God and how He pursues us no matter where we go. We handed out 100 copies at the porn convention to the girls and to the female vendors. You can’t read the book without experiencing God’s love.

I have read Redeeming Love and it is excellent! That was a life-changing story for me as well and it is one of my favorite books. I buy copies when I can and give them to friends and family, asking them to pass them along after they’ve read them. That book gave me a clearer picture of God’s love for me. The gift bags are a great idea and I’m glad to hear you have friends who donate money as their way of joining your ministry . We’ll discuss a little later how others can also contribute to the gift bags if they’d like to.

This picture show the team praying with a dancer.  What kind of follow-up do you do? Or do you let the girls contact you if they choose to?

We leave the contact up to them. If they need prayer, there’s a 24-hour prayer line. The number is in the gift bag. If they want to talk with us further, they will give us their number. We’ve had a couple of girls and managers call the church because they had the card from the bag.

When Kevin was shot in the face a few hours after we left his club, we visited him in the hospital. A few years earlier when his son had been set on fire and burned by neighborhood kids, we prayed. God answered, and the kid is a walking and baseball-playing miracle. We got to meet him one night in the club’s parking lot. Kevin said, “I want you to meet the church ladies who’ve been praying for you.” I don’t think there were many dry eyes.

I can see why. Meeting someone your prayers have had a direct impact on must be really rewarding, as well as the blessing of continued friendship with Kevin and the love you’ve shown him and his family. What do you think is the toughest thing about being involved with ministering to people in the sex industry?

The money. It’s hard for them to leave the “easy” money. Where else can a girl without a high school education or with a GED make that kind of money? On top of that, 98% of these girls have been molested/abused. And on top of that, to dance naked/half naked in front of strangers every night, you have to numb yourself so you have alcohol/drug addictions. So when these girls want to leave the business, they have a LOT of issues to deal with.

Can you share a story of someone you’ve met who has impacted you in a way that drives you or has changed you?

This is a tough ministry. You don’t give an altar call and hundreds come forward. Most of the time you don’t see any fruit. I know I’m a farmer planting seeds, but sometimes you wonder if you’re making a difference. A few months ago, Kevin (our favorite manager), got out of the business. He had been in sexually-oriented businesses for over 20 years. We’ve been praying for him for 8 years. Even when he was laying in the hospital after being shot in the face, I asked him if he was ready to get out of the business. He said, “No. This is all I know.” Three years after that incident he is OUT of the business. What an incredible answer to prayer! He’s working as a cook in a bar/grill. It’s located between a strip club and a swinger’s club. We see him on Friday nights. We added the club next to Kevin’s bar to our Friday night outreach so that we can continue to see him. We pray a hedge of protection about Kevin so that he won’t go back into that line of work.

When Kevin was still in the business, he would call and say one of his dancers was in trouble and needed to talk to us. He would put them on the phone, and we would talk to them and pray with them.

We had a Muslim club owner give us money because he believed in what we were doing. When his wife was having trouble with her pregnancy, he asked us to pray. We did. She had a good remaining pregnancy and delivered a healthy baby. The club owner thanked us for our prayers.

It’s things like this that keep me going.

Do you find your friends and family are supportive?

Surprisingly, yes. My parents, who are retired Assemblies of God pastors, go with me. My mom says that if it were her child in the clubs, she would want someone going in to tell her daughter that God still loves her, and it’s not too late. Several friends go with me. Co-workers give me money and are always encouraging me.

So you always have someone with you when you do this?

ALWAYS. No one goes anywhere in the club alone.

What does your husband think of this? Does he go with you?

Yes, he goes with me. He and my dad stay in the parking lot and talk to the parking lot attendants. My husband is very supportive. He’s there to encourage me when I’m fed up and want to shut down the ministry.

Side note: If any of you are single, don’t give up hope. I was 41 when I married for the first time. My husband is in a motorcycle ministry that ministers to outlaw bikers. In fact, that’s how we met. His m/c ministry was helping at an outreach I was leading to a low-income apartment complex. I’ve joined his ministry and go to the m/c rallies. Don’t give up. Don’t settle. Pursue God. When the time is right, He will bring the right person in to your life.

To be continued…

Join us next time to read how Drenda and her team deal with the male customers, critics, and preparing for big events like the porn conventions and other adult entertainment venues.

Send me your questions…

A friend of a friend of a friend…seriously, has agreed to do an interview here on the Sex, Love, and Marriage blog. For the last 8 years, Drenda has had a ministry in Houston where she goes into strip clubs and gives gift bags to the dancers. Back in January she took a team to the porn convention in Vegas to work with XXXChurch. She has also ministered at Mardi Gras, Gay Pride in Hollywood, Fantasy Fest in Florida, and others. This woman is amazing and I can’t wait to hear her story.

I’d love to include you in the discussion by sharing your questions with her. What would you ask her if the two of you were sitting down for a cup of coffee? Leave me a comment or email me and I’ll include your questions with my own. Then she will be a guest on this blog and share what she has learned through her outreach to the brokenhearted in the sex industry.

Bring on the questions!

Congratulations to…

Zoe, my official “pull a name out of a hat” girl, drew your name to win Tricia Goyer’s Generation NeXt Marriage! I’ll get the book to you asap.

I liked all the songs mentioned in the comments. Thank you to everyone who participated. All three of your comments were appreciated. lol