Romantic Fiction is a multi-billion dollar industry. There are romance stories for every interest out there. Mystery, Prairie Romance, Romantic Suspense, Historical Romance, and in more recent years, Christian romantic fiction in all of the above mentioned genres and more. I’m friends with a few authors who write in this field, and I highly respect a few more that I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting yet, so I’m not knocking romantic fiction as a whole.
I told a few friends last year that I don’t read romance novels. They teased me a bit in good fun until I explained why. I can’t remember how old I was when I read my first sex scene in a romance novel. Was I in junior high? I know I was way too young to be learning such descriptive language. I don’t even remember how I got my first “harmless” story, but I do remember that years later I was being supplied by my grandparents with more romance novels than I could read in a month. They would buy them by the bundle at thrift sales and flea markets and give them to me. They even joined a romance book club to pass along these stories. By the time I was in high school I was just skimming until I’d reach the sex scenes. Sure, sometimes the story was sweet. Sometimes it was crap – just an excuse for the author to get to the steamy parts of the story. Somewhere along the way there were a few books thrown in the mix that were more than my grandparents bargained for. I was ushered into the realm of erotic literature and it would be well into my college years before I understood what a web of addiction I was in.
Now, jump back with me for a minute. There were other issues at hand here at the same time. I was lonely even when dating someone. I was promiscuous and searching for something or someone to make me “whole”. I was craving physical attention wherever I could get it. I was fertile soil for negative growth taking place. I was willing to do everything except “go all the way”. I was confused and lost, and left to navigate these waters on my own.
My brothers had Playboys and the like hidden in their rooms. I stole them once to see what the fascination was. The pictures of naked women did nothing for me…but there was a forum section that people sent their “experiences” and fantasies in to be published. One in particular was by a very famous vampire author. It was quite the turn-on, which really caught me off guard. I felt naughty…deliciously naughty. Something in me knew it was wrong to be reading that stuff and that it didn’t mesh with my struggling faith. But Satan is so good at what he does and he knew my past and my weaknesses and was able to convince me that as long as I wasn’t actually doing the things I was reading about, I wasn’t sinning. Lies. All lies. It was wrong. Period. I call it “girl porn”.
I wasn’t mature enough in my faith to really understand how detrimental this would be on all of my dating relationships as well as a huge dark cloud over my marriage.
Are all romance novels out to trap young girls into a web of acting out in their sexual brokenness? Of course not. Does everyone who reads romance novels struggle with temptation and masturbation? No. But there are a lot of women out there who have fallen into this trap. I am not alone. I’ve talked to too many women about this topic to know that there is this thin veil of secrecy about these struggles. There are studies and websites and support groups dedicated to this topic that show me just how un-alone I am. Women who get caught up in this aren’t “dirty” and “shameful”. These are women who are minister’s wives, writers, teachers, mothers, and more. Satan and much of the world would have you believe that romance novels are harmless. For a few, that may be true, but for most women they’re a problem.
Let’s remove sex from the equation for a minute – which is hard to do if you even look at the artwork on the cover of most romance novels. Even if a woman doesn’t struggle with the sex scenes, my guess is that they struggle with the fantasy of the story anyway. They have been called “a guilty pleasure” and “an escape” for a reason. They are sometimes better than real life. They appeal to the princess story in all of us. Who doesn’t want to be swept off their feet by a ruggedly handsome man? Or rescued from some impossible situation by a knight in shining armor? They are filled with men who are built like Greek gods, who are tough, but tender, who are in touch with their feelings, or even who are the “bad boy”. Lots of women are attracted to that type. There are stories of “taming the wild heart” of a man by using the simple tools of charm and beauty. And then there’s the storyline of the man that rescues the woman from some past hurt and patiently heals her battered heart until she completely trusts him. Does that really work?
In real life it’s not so pretty. Some of those story lines do happen in real life, but it’s never as glamorous as the writer makes it sound. There is a danger of being so caught up in the fantasy of what your life, dating relationship, or marriage could/should be that you’re not really living in the one you actually have.
I have a good friend who told me a few months ago that she read this certain novel and it was addictive. She couldn’t put it down. She was so turned on by the book that she was a sexual temptress with her husband for a good 4 days afterward. He was enjoying the extra attention so much that he joked about buying her more books like the one she read. We had a bit of this discussion I’m writing about today and she said she had never thought about the addictive nature of romance novels or the path they can lead you down. This was NOT a lecture conversation…it was two girlfriends talking about marriage and what gets you through in the dry seasons, etc.
I shared my experiences with her as I have with other friends about how when I was reading them, my boyfriends could never measure up. After marriage, Benny couldn’t either. My fantasy was that he would always be available to me physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. He would care about my needs more than his own in every circumstance. He would desire me and please me not by me telling him what I wanted or liked, but by just instinctly knowing and taking the initiative. He would be charming 24/7. He would drop everything and come to my rescue the very second I needed him. He would never get angry with me. I was selfish, huh? Let me just say that I don’t want to be married to a man like that. My husband is AWESOME and in many ways he is my rescuer and knight in shining armor. But he’s not a fantasy. He’s real, genuine, has needs of his own, and loves me more than any fantasy man ever did.
So how did I overcome my addiction to “girl porn”? Abstinence. I got rid of all such reading material and prayed for forgiveness and deliverance from my struggles. It sounds too simple and easy, but it was far from it! And I got smart. Some of my favorite places are book stores and libraries. I love books, but when I’m near them, I steer clear of the romance section…and the sex section. There are times I’m still tempted and that’s a clear sign to me that something isn’t right with me. Either I’ve let something slip in my marriage, I’m feeling emotionally unstable, or I’ve let my guard down for too long. I also have a friend who shares my struggles and I can call her for accountability.
I don’t read those kinds of romance novels. I’ve healed enough that I can read some romance stories in Christian fiction – where it’s a good love story and its good writing. I love stories, but I can’t let my mind get caught up in one so much that it makes me dislike my life and not be grateful for the relationships I do have. I want to learn and be enriched by what comes before my eyes, not have it make my life harder.
I could talk about this subject for weeks, but I think I got my point across.
I tend to agree with you about the fantasy that never will become a reality therefore it causes women to be unsatisfied. I think you were saying the romance novels caused you to expect the wrong things and get caught up in a fantasy, do you equate this sort of addiction with stories such as Harry Potter? Do you think there is anything to the hype that surrounds this subject that a person can be lured into witch craft from reading those books?
You’re partly right. For me it was more than getting caught up in a fantasy and expecting the wrong thing. It was the sex itself as well. It was both. It was the desires produced by what I was reading and the acting out in response to those desires. You can actually do the stuff in those books where as the H.P. books are made up in a way that the stuff in them (ie. spells, chants, etc.) are fake. They aren’t real spells – a fact the author has pointed out many times.
As far as the addiction to the fantasy, I think it’s possible with any kind of fantasy. That’s why you hear freak stories about people living out their character from role-playing games like Magic and Dungeons and Dragons. To some they are just games and to others the line between reality and fantasy blurs. Another example – every kid that watches Superman doesn’t believe he can fly and start jumping out windows.
To some people it would be wrong to even read H. P. because they would easily be drawn down that path of witchcraft. To others (like me) I like the stories and the morals represented there. There are some great themes and lessons to be learned – more than you may realize. There is no draw for me to become someone in the story. That’s not where my temptations exist. You can take another example from C.S. Lewis. Narnia is an extraordinary place of fantasy. Would you say that people who read it will be lured into Christianity? Some may be drawn in through the story and some not. Some may just enjoy it for the classic literature that it is.
I don’t think everything is black and white ALL the time…
Does that answer your question?
I remember the author of HP saying she did massive amounts of research into witchcraft in order to write the story and be accurate. I’ve never heard of anyone getting into witchcraft because of those books so I was just wondering about all the hooplah surrounding that. I think with anything, a person can get over involved and such. If it interferes with your life in some way it is a problem. This could happen with a lot of things and each person is different, each person has their own vice. I just find it funny that christians will find something to put another down for (not you) yet if you look at them, you can find a vice they have. I’d be hard pressed to name someone that doesn’t have a vice of some kind.
So true queen z! We all have our issues, don’t we? Some of us hide them well and others of us want them public and dealt with. We humans are a strange bunch!
I worked in a book store, and hated to organize the romance section. I took over the Sci-Fi section, because all the other workers were afraid of it, because they didn’t understand it. I am a mild Trekkie, but nothing like others I know. I don’t live my life in a club that IS the staff on a starship.
I like reading H.P., because there are a lot of good themes there. The loyalty and friendship that are talked about become life-long bonds. There are some bad things too. Harry is constantly being rewarded for lying or breaking a rule. (flying when ordered not to got him the Seeker job for his favorite sport, Quiddich)
J.K. Rowling did all that research to make sure that the background of the story looked accurate. It is not completely so. She is clever, but not entirely accurate. I think of this as the layers of background in a play. Who said that this tree and that mushroom can survive in the same ecosystem? Maybe they can’t.
God tells us in the Bible to not seek out magicians. But He doesn’t say they don’t have power… Satan has more power than we give him credit for, but God has more than that. God can bring you out of addiction to fantasy.
Queen Z said, “I’ve never heard of anyone getting into witchcraft because of those books so I was just wondering about all the hooplah surrounding that.” There is now a Harry Potter School of Witchcraft with 100 members who paid 4K to be in it. I believe it is in England.
As for the fantacy not being like reality, does anyone remember Barbara Cartland romances? She was very popular in the 80′s. (I think she herself was about 80 at the time.) Anyway, she wrote along the same plotline every time. Innocent, poor, timid girl who was waiting to be rescued by a rich young prince, ruler, aristocrat. She was swept off her feet and saved every time. Unfortunately, I was addicted to those. Therefore, I felt I had to be like that heroine. Years later, I see the effect those had on me. I was trying to be her. God made me so much more than that. I think a lot of these books sell us women short. Even Christian romances.
Don’t get me wrong, I am still a vorocious reader but I stick with realistic Christian romances that leave out the legalism and sex.
BTW: some of those romances are no better than porn and yet the same women who read them are pointing a legalistic finger at the men who are caught up in pornography.
Good points Jan. BTW, I tried to do some research about a real life Harry Potter school…and met with dead ends. There are schools for witches, but they’ve been around longer than J.K. Rowling’s books.
I reiterate what I said about any kinds of fantasy possibly being addictive depending upon the person.
I don’t want to venture down the Harry Potter rabbit trail any further. There is a divisive debate over those books/movies/whether or not Christians should read them, etc. I know what camp I’m standing in, but it may not be where you are. That’s o.k. with me.
Fantasy has it’s place among literature. It also has it’s dangers. The question of Friend or Foe is a relative one.
Romance novels are a foe in my opinion. I too was addicted to them and I do believe it give us such a false sense of how relationships work. How many times did I read books that involved the heroine being essentially raped and enjoying it?? Once I got married and got a good dose of reality, I stopped reading those books. (that and I realized I was reading the same story over and over again….just different characters and scenery.)
I will never encourage either of my daughters to ever read those type of books. One thing that looking back, surprised me. My mother bought books for me. If she only knew what was in them she would have never bought them for me.
I won’t sign my name, but I like your thoughts on this subject. I thought I was abnormal….turns out I am normal.
I’m so glad you called it like it is: “girl porn.” women are so much more imaginative that men in many cases, and this is one of them. All we need is some descriptive words; we can supply as many pictures as we need to complete the package, and the enemy knows it…
I have known many women who have developed a distaste for their husbands and an ungrateful spirit about their marriages and lives because they compared real life with the fantasy. But this is the same trap we fall into with affairs, is it not? the grass always seems much greener. the enemy knows our selfish nature…
Thanks for the honest post.
I get the source of the controversy over the Harry Potter books, but doesn’t the Bible say that witchcraft and other old superstitions doesn’t exist? So …. isn’t it just like reading a book about unicorns … ? I mean, I can get that satan can fool people in disguise as these things (or the temptation to be them) but A) Padre Pio said that having temptation but being strong enough to overcome it and suffering for it makes us stronger and B) I am firm believer that JK Rowling is not the devil. English woman with awesome hair and complexion yes, be she aint no devil. An’ I like Padre Pio. It’s kind of like testing yourself. I guess if you’re good enough to recognize the sin in your temptations, and reprimand yourself for it, it proves something, right?
Greetings…
God love msn, very cool stuff. All the best….
[...] 08:39 AM I did a simple Google search and found the following: Romance Novels – Friend or Foe? Sex, Love, and Marriage You may have seen it already, but ther’s some interesting discussion in there. One thing you [...]
Hi I just wanted to say that just recently I’ve started to redevelop my relationship with God and I am battling with my romance novels addiction. I love reading as a kid..I grew up reading Nancy Drew and Sweet Valley High series. I started ventured out reading romance novels in grade 9. I used to read a wide variety of good teenage books but ever since I started reading romance novels, the only thing I ever read during my spare time are romance novels because I enjoy them more than any other kind of fiction novels. I’ve read different genres, historical, sci-fi, futuristic, fantasy, modern and paranormal romances.
I am now 30 and have been married for 10 years. I’m really happy with my marriage. I don’t have a problem distinguishing between fantasy and real life romance nor do the books make me feel unhappy with my marriage or life. The problem is that I enjoy reading those kind of books too much and with the sexual languages, promiscuity, immorality, dark fantasy, etc..those things are sinful even if its a fantasy. Jesus says that if a man lusts for a woman in his mind or heart with sinful thoughts (or fantasy) commits adultery. You need to thrive to have a pure mind in order to have an intimate relationship with God. So I am trying very hard, I almost bought a romance novel yesterday, so knowing my weakness, I try to stay completely away from the romance section whenever I am at a bookstore or library.
There is nothing dangerously addicting with a fantasy like Harry Potter, because there is no sex in Harry Potter. The addiction to romances is a sexual addiction. It was a blight to my life. It destroyed my marriage. It isn’t just that you waste so much time doing it, it is the feeling that you have no control over yourself when you are in it’s thrall. I became addicted at puberty and didn’t get out of it till menopause. I had a brief respite from it when I was on Prozac, but that converted the problem into another kind of odd sexuality. I once asked a therapist about it, but they did not recognize it as a problem, and consequently got no help. There was one bright side to it all, I got a great vocabulary from it, and it raised my reading comprehension levels, but the pluses don’t out weight the minuses.
I think you are very brave for exposing this as an ADDICTION. I believe it is one, but I was afraid to actually say it. I find the authors in the genre deplorable. They constantly use the Lord’s name in vain or in a profane way like goshDAMN. If that were all, I might be able to live with it. However we have authors like Stephanie Laurens who names her male characters DEVIL and DEMON. Know can anyone tell me what is the PURPOSE of naming a love interest such colorful names. So in the sex scenes the woman is saying things like, “OH DEVIL!” or “OH DEMON”. I just thought it was wrong, very very wrong. But if you look at her readers they just eat this stuff up, they have nothing but good reviews for SUCH BOOKS.
I’m a romance novel addict. There, I’ve said it. I’ve been struggling with it for years. Sometimes I would go for months without reading a romance novel and then my favorite author would have a new release and I would relapse again.
I stopped again a couple of weeks ago, just before my birthday.
I felt an extremely strong urge to read romance novels today so I googled romance novel addiction instead and came across your blog entry. Thank you for this Niki. Everyday I pray for the strength to kick this habit.
You are NOT alone Isa. I too have fallen in and out of the habit. Sometimes it’s hard to make the right choice when the pull to revert back to what’s easy is so strong. I was once told that the best way to kill a bad habit is to starve it to death. That does not mean that the temptation will not reappear again and again. When I was able to resist, I’d feel strong and victorious only to feel like crap when I’d be caught off guard and be ensnared again.
I don’t know if this will help you or not, but I used the art of distraction when I’d feel tempted. I’d make myself so busy that I didn’t have time to read, and prayed like crazy for strength and deliverance until I could think rationally again. Then, I took an honest look at how my marriage was going. What was I missing? Were we not connecting? Was I feeling unloved in some way? Had it been a long time since we’d been intimate? Was I feeling bad about my body and craving the desire to feel desired? I could usually get to the root of the the issue. It was never about the books. I had plenty of other books to read. It was always about me trying to fill that empty space inside with less than the best for me.
I feel your pain, and I just prayed for you. Let me know if I can help any further.
I myself am having trouble reading such books. I just don’t know how I am going to overcome this addiction. and I am just 19… this started a few years back… I am continously struggling with this. for me it is reading fanfiction online on the internet. I frequently find myself searching for the steamy parts. Please pray for me.
The stories on here are so similar to mine. I “innocently” began reading romance novels in the 9th or 10th grade. A relative had given 2 to my older sister. After reading those, I was hooked. I began to check them out at the library as well as buy them. My mother always told me that they were wrong for me but I didn’t listen. Now it’s 15 years later and I’ve been trying to quit reading them for 4 or 5 years but have been unsuccessful. I even when a full year without reading one, a few years ago, but that was a fluke and then I fell into the cycle of starting and stopping again. I’ve gotten prayer because I know that this is a distraction meant to hold me back from all that God wants me to be but I keep falling back into a trap that I can actually see before I step into it. It’s sad. And now, I’ve found lit sites where I can read online without having to go to the book store or library and feel that I’m in too deep and don’t know what to do. When I was in high school, I never imagined that romance novels can have on you. I know that just filling my time schedule won’t be enough because we all make time for the things that we want to do. I pray that God takes the desire to read this “girl porn.” I know it’s wrong and right now I feel powerless. And I know that was exactly satan’s goal when I read my first book 15 years ago.
I happy I found this blog. I’ve always felt like I was alone because I don’t know anyone else who dealt with this problem. And the few people I have told about it never seemed to understand. This is a serious problem that I need broken. But I’m glad to see that I’m not alone in this fight.
i agree with you. i have had that happen to me before and i keep away from all those types of writing. however, i do still read christian romance novels, if they are clean and appropriate. thanks for sharing!
I would love to know which romance novel your friend found so addictive.
I am a Christian self-published author who became frustrated due to the limitations of my characters because I write sweet African-American historical romances. I decided to delve into writing secular romance novels as of yesterday. I wrote one chapter last night. This afternoon, I searched and came across this blog and after reading Niki’s piece, I have decided against compromising. I also happen to be a pastor’s wife. Thank you Niki for allowing the Lord to use you in your honesty.
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i agree with you so very much. at first i thought that these romance novels would just help me pass the time but later on i release that it was getting in the way of my school work. i would sit down and read a romance novel all night and forget to study or do things i knew i had to do. also these romance novels started to hunt me. a day could not get by without me reading too many erotic novels i began to live by it and stopped doing so many important things before long i was hopeless without these books. this is before i actually release that it was getting out of control. i stopped going to all those websites which provided me with all these erotic tales and laid my sins on the cross of cavalry. that is when i actually found peace and released that love was not about sex but instead love is God and when you have god you are a whole person on your own you do not need a knight in shining armor but you just need somebody who you knows that cares for you and love you
I am so glad I found this website. I am addicted to romance novels and I thought I would never be able to share this with anyone. I am tortured by these novels during the day and nearly crashed my car as I was thinking about one I had just read. I want to be free of this torcher as it is like prison. I started reading thriller novels but have found that even some of those books have sex scenes in them as well. I would love to be able to find some good authors, not romance, whose books I could read.