The right place at the right time?

Summer is fading fast, as are the days of enjoying our swimming pool in our park. I’ve met some interesting people there this summer, but none are as memorable as two pre-teen girls who for some reason took to me quickly and shared more than I wanted to know about their lives…particularly their sex lives. Here’s a short blurb from MY Journey blog about that day:

Today was…strange. I took the kids swimming and met two very sad 12 year old girls who shared their life stories with me after 5 minutes of conversation. I got to hear how their moms put them on birth control, and what they want to name all the babies they’re going to have – but not until they’re at least 17 or their moms will disown them. One of them told me about a boy who is a senior and wants to have 4 babies with her. Did I mention she’s 12??? One of them wants a tattoo and her tongue pierced before she goes back to school in the Fall. Why? Because she gets made fun of and she’s hoping it will help her fit in and be less of a target. This poor girl weighs in the 200 pound range and has enough facial hair, she could shave. She talks ghetto, and can’t wait to be a mommy…and plans to be at 17. I’m thinking that a tattoo and a piercing aren’t going to be enough to make her less of a target at her middle school. And it breaks my heart. These same two girls who can’t wait to be moms were afraid to go in the deep end of the pool, and when I taught them how to tread water, both told me what a genius I am and that I should be a biology teacher. What??? ~sigh~

I left the pool with a heavy heart that day. I just kept thinking WHY? They were so starved for attention that they latched onto me without knowing anything about me. They knew I was a mom of 3 kids and I liked to swim and talk. There could be something to that part. lol When I left, they asked if I would be back tomorrow. When I told them we had other plans for the next day, they were disappointed and asked if I’d be here the day after that. Unfortunately I haven’t seen them since.

Have you ever walked away from a conversation and wished you had spoken more clearly or said something other than what actually came out of your mouth? Yeah, that was me that day. I didn’t know that it would be my only chance (so far) to pour some love and hopefully a little wisdom into these girls. I asked them lots of questions and listened the best I could while keeping an eye on my own kids splashing around the pool. I was bold and told them that God loved them and they were worth more than some teenage boy groping them for kicks. I looked them in the eyes and told them that they were beautiful girls and had great value and that I hoped they would think about the consequences of giving themselves so freely at such a young age. (That part sounds dumb to me now.) They said their moms were teen moms and did fine. I told them both to go home and ask their moms if it was easy being a teen mom. One of them said she lives with her dad because her mom took off and lives in another state. She never sees her. I told them that in all my years in youth ministry and working with at-risk youth, I’ve NEVER met a teen mom who thought life was fun or easy. Yes babies love you, but they don’t fill you the way you want to be filled as a young girl. They take from you and it’s exhausting. They both said they love babysitting their cousins, nieces, and nephews. I reminded them that they also got to end that job and send the kids home with their parents – it wasn’t 24/7/365.

The way they talked was way beyond just dreaming of what it would be like to be a mom someday. It was like they never got to play house as small children and they were in a hurry to do so now. One of them said to me, “But you look like you really love your kids and they really love you”. I said that’s true and then reminded her that I’m in my 30’s and I lived a little before having kids, AND that I don’t do it alone…my husband and I parent together. I told them that I do love being a mom but that I admit it’s really hard sometimes and once you’re a parent, there’s no going back. It’s fun, but it’s a lot more work than most people admit or talk about. The idea of having a baby is romantic because you don’t have memories yet of getting up every two hours to nurse, sore breasts, being tired to the point of crying, and wondering if you will ever sleep through the night again. I asked the girl being raised by her dad if she missed her mom. She sadly said yes and then emphatically told me that she would never leave her children, even if life got hard.

I think I was pretty loving about the whole thing and it was an intense conversation at a few points, but they wanted more anyway. When I caught myself lecturing, I quickly asked another question instead. They wanted to talk and be heard. They needed to be noticed. They needed a woman to speak truth to them instead of playing into their fantasies about mommy-hood. They asked me tons of questions about parenting, if I was married, how long have I been married and was it to the same man, was I a virgin when I got married, would I teach my daughter to be a virgin until she’s married, had I ever been on birth control, etc. The questions were flying and I did my best to really be in the moment. I asked them if these boys they know want to be daddies or just have sex. They smiled at each other and said, “I don’t know”. They both said they wanted a baby more than they wanted to get married and they didn’t think you needed to be married to have babies with guys. We talked about STD’s and oral sex and all kinds of things they brought up. Sex education in school is NOT working, and obviously these girls weren’t being taught these things at home in a constructive, helpful way. Being put on birth control and then being told you’ll be disowned if you have a baby before you’re 17 is NOT the way to teach your kids about sex.

It makes me angry that we live in an age of babies becoming like an accessory. I read an article that came out back in June about a community of girls who became pregnant on purpose. They called it a pregnancy pact. You can read it here if you’re interested.

One of the quotes we used with our groups for SEVENS this summer was this:

“The real tragedy…is that there are many Christians who do not even relate to unbelievers unless they have to. That’s what has to change. We don’t need to witness more, we need to relate more with non-Christians so that our witness will mean more. If our witness truly is more who we are than what we do, then we need to be in places where who we are makes a difference.” ~John Fischer

I can’t make assumptions about the girls’ beliefs. All I know is that I was in a place where who I am was making a difference and it felt strange to me. I look forward to the day that it doesn’t. Does such a day exist? Was I just in the right place at the right time? I hope and pray I get another chance to talk with these girls.