The Poisonous Secret – Part 2 – Emotions

Back in December, I took a retreat from the world.  My in-laws were out of town and graciously allowed me to use their home as a hide-out.  I had a creative project I wanted to work on, but the real reason for the trip was to face some ugly things from my past and begin a book/workbook that I had purchased.  I knew it was going to be a hard weekend, and yet I was unprepared for the intensity of it.  My planned 3 day getaway stretched into 9. I have a wonderful, understanding, and supportive husband!  He told me to stay and get my crap together as long as I was home by Christmas.

I didn’t go unarmed or unprepared. I had friends all over the country praying for me, another one close by in case I needed a shoulder to cry on, and I knew God was with me. Even my cell phone worked the whole time I was there, and it NEVER works at their house. Then I opened my book and began to read. Instantly I felt isolated, alone, and nauseous. Wave after wave of dread and fear threatened to drown me. I was ready and aching to move forward to new depths of healing, so I prayed with trembling lips for courage to keep going and face the secrets that lay hidden within me. I wish I could tell you those feelings immediately left and the rest of my time there was a breeze, but the week was hard as I battled and cried and got so mad I thought I would explode. I wept for innocence lost and time spent finding the pieces of me that buried themselves for pure survival. Blazing hot tears spilled down my face as I yelled at a pillow that was standing in as a surrogate caregiver, representing all who did not protect me. There were tears for all of the people I had hurt over the years because I didn’t know how to handle strong emotions and just be me. I finally curled up into a ball on the couch and lay there in silence for a few hours, completely spent, staring at nothing until I fell asleep. It was the most exhausting week of my whole year. I was happy to be alone, and I made it halfway through the book.

When I finally returned home, I put the unfinished book on my desk and didn’t touch it again until last week.  I recommended it to others, but wouldn’t make the time to continue the journey myself. I remained locked in my anger towards those who didn’t believe my story, and those who suspected something was going on but did nothing to help me. I’ve been wearing my anger like a hundred pound chain around my neck, all the while keeping too busy to process further. I also stopped writing with the exception of an occasional blog post written out of guilt. I knew my words would betray me and I needed to handle this monster in my own way, but how?

It’s frustrating to know that I’ve let emotions hold me back from my passions. I’m tired of being angry. Why is anger always my default emotion? And why can’t I just call it by it’s true name and say it’s fear? Because I’m not a fearful woman.  I never have been.  Fierce? Yes.  Fiery? Occasionally. Fearful? Not me. It’s just not a word used to describe me, by me or anyone else.  I learned long ago that fearful women get taken advantage of, walked on, and hurt. It was easier to harden myself and become a control freak. If I was in control then nothing could hurt me, right? I have lived so long in the paradox of controlling my surroundings, while yearning to be safe enough to give up that same control. It’s exhausting being in control all the time. Having to be “on” and alert and never letting my guard down. I don’t want to live that way, so I’m facing my fears. And let me tell you, it’s hard work and it sucks!!

Being real and authentic (One of my big goals in life) has meant learning how to release and feel emotions in a safe manner. It has meant acknowledging those places that need work or healing, and finding ways to let go and forgive. I know the above paragraphs make it sound like I’ve been an emotional basket case, but truly I haven’t. It has been a difficult few months, but I’m receiving counsel and I’m coping as I heal. Those 9 days spent away from my everyday life were like vacationing in a huge, dark, emotional pit, but it wasn’t all gloom and despair. There were sunshiny moments sprinkled in there. On one of my “couch” afternoons, I was praying and I felt blanketed in peace…literally.  I could feel it like a real blanket lovingly draped over me. I was also blessed enough to hang out with my older and wiser friend Linda. She loved me through that week. I’m going to be fine…no, better than fine…I’m going to be whole.

That heavy chain I talked about earlier has been coming off one link at a time.  I wish I could take it off all at once, but it’s just not happening that way. I have hope and I am confident that as I heal, I will be free in ways I never imagined, so I keep moving forward.

Why write about my emotional process coming to a volcanic head? I know there are others out there who are dealing with this same issue. They are lost, scared, and too vulnerable to share this stuff with people in their own lives. I want them to know that they are not alone, and it’s never too late to face your past.  While you can’t change what happened to you as a child, you can change how it affects you as an adult, which also affects how you handle life and relate to those around you. The healing process isn’t easy, but you don’t have to do it alone.

If you are reading this and can relate to what I’ve written here, please consider this permission to vent and a plea to get help. You are not a prisoner destined to be bound in chains of the abuse cycle until you die. You can break free, and there are resources out there that will aid you on your journey. If you know someone who would benefit from reading these posts, please pass along a link to my site.  It’s always easier to journey with a friend. There is a lot of information out there for those of us walking this path. This is the book I’m working through:

It is available on amazon.com and chances are, your local book stores. I bought mine through Family Christian Stores.  The amazon site allows to you have a sneak peak at the inside of the book if you want to check it out before buying it. In my opinion, it is a little too scholarly in places, but it is helping me, and it’s one of the best resources I’ve found so far. I’ve recently discovered a few websites that I’m checking out before recommending them here. There are over half a million websites that deal with the topic of sexual abuse. Thanks for stopping by mine.

Coming soon – Part 3 – Thoughts on healing and the stages of grief